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Friday, December 17, 2010

My Christmas Checklist

Today is December 17, 8 days until Christmas.  Let's see how I am doing on my checklist

1.  Wait until the last minute to start shopping for presents - crap, I bought some stuff online already.  Although I plan on hitting the stores on the 23rd.

2.  Wait until the last minute to figure out what's for dinner.  - ah crap, already thought about having ham, because I have an entire freaking pig in my freezer (yes, seriously. I bought a whole pig).  There's still time to change my mind though.

3.  Put the tree up sometime before new year.  DONE.

4.  Decorate the tree sometime before Valentine's Day - pending.  I am on schedule.

5.  Don't send out christmas cards - DONE.  I could care less about the christmas epistles from my family that I will get if I do send them out. If I don't send them cards for enough years in a row they stop sending them to me.

6.  Track down the elusive version of "We Need A Little Christmas" that I heard on the radio a couple of years ago and don't know who sang it, and then download it onto my mp3 player.  - Well, I bought the freaking GLEE christmas CD and they have quite a perky version of it on there.   Not the same but it's annoying just the same.  I wonder if Walmart music has the version I want for 67 cents.

7.  Make those delicious sea salt carmels - DONE.

8.  Make another batch of those delicious sea salt carmels to give to family and friends - working on it.

9.  Don't eat the 2nd batch of those delicious sea salt carmels - I cannot make any promises.  However, if I do I will need at least 10 more insulin shots.

10. Make my world famous egg nog - with vanilla vodka and bailey's.  - Changing it around a little this year - vanilla AND carmel vodka with a hint of Hazlenut liquor.  3 dozen eggs are waiting in the fridge to be frothed up into this lovely concoction.
Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thank you

In 1918, on the eleventh hour in the eleventh day in the eleventh month, the world rejoiced and celebrated. After four years of bitter war, an armistice was signed and "the war to end all wars" was over.


The Original Poem handwritten by the author
This is a picture taken during the battle in Flanders during WWI


November 11, 1919: President Woodrow Wilson proclaims the first Armistice Day, proclaiming: "To us in America, the reflections of armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations…" The original concept for the celebration was for the suspension of business for a two minute period beginning at 11 A.M., with the day also marked by parades and public meetings.


To all veterans, especially the WWII Veterans like my father, who is 85 and now in a nursing home.  They were "The Greatest Generation"


THANK YOU for keeping our country free.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Flashback Wednesday

Flashback #1:  "there's something in the fog!!!!!!!!!" 

Sheesh was it foggy this morning! I felt just like Adreinne Barbeau freaking out because I could not see a damn thing driving into work.  The fog lasted for about 60 of the 86 miles to work.  I fully expected some ghost pirates to jump out at me.  Only to discover that when I hit them it would be a deer instead.  Fortunately, that didn't happen. 

Flashback #2 - "does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours..." 
35 years ago the Edmund Fitzgerald sank in Lake Superior during a storm that most consider worse than any atlantic hurricane.  God rest the souls of the 29 crewmen aboard. 

Flashback #3 - "I want my maypo"  - 

mainly because I love it.  And i wanted it for breakfast.  The jelly beans were a good alternative though. (yeah yeah yeah, diabetic, blah blah blah.  I needed sugar) 
Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The weird stuff always happens to me

Note to self: the next time ycou get a brilliant idea to carve pumpkins and hang them from a tree, DON'T!!

Although it looked VERY COOL, and the neighbors and kids loved it, the pumpkins WILL NOT appreciate being strung up and will attack you when you and your neighbors cut them down.

So, as I'm picking up a pumpkin from the ground near the tree, one of my neighbors is standing on the ICY ROCKS around the tree cutting down one of the pumpkins.  Flash to feet slipping on rocks and pumpkin hurtling to the ground.  Except that I am in between said pumpkin and the ground.  As the pumpkin is hurtling towards sure death and dismemberment, it decides to get it's final revenge on me by stabbing me in the back of the hand with it's sharp stem.  Immediately my hand went numb and I could not feel anything or move it.  Blood gushes everywhere and I run inside to get a towel to stop it and throw a bag of frozen peas on it to keep the swelling down.  Oh, and thank you dear insane neighbors for your fits of laughter, I appreciate it.  Thankfully the x-rays showed no fracture.  The numbness went away in about 3 hours, the bruise is massive and my fingers look like sausages.

I swear when I went back outside in the darkness to finish cleaning up, I heard the laughter of demented pumpkins.

Well played pumpkin, well played.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's FALL!!!

Reasons I love fall!

Farmer's Markets

Cider

Squash!!

Leaves

Haunted Hay Rides

Decorating for Halloween

Thanksgiving! 

Pumpkins

It's not frigging 80 f'ing degrees anymore

oh, it could SNOW here before halloween

Halloween

my drunk ass neighbors trick or treating for beer


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

is 1 less than 30?

Dear poorly paid online support rep for my wireless carrier:

If I tell you that I got my spiffy (yet hopelessly BROKEN) phone TODAY, what did you expect my answer would be when you said "have you had it less than 30 days?".  Don't leave the door open like that.  And when I reply "well, since I got it TODAY, I would assume that 1 day is less than 30 days, correct?", don't get snotty with me - I'm the customer, I get to be snotty, not you.  And then when I tell you 7 TIMES that the keypad on the phone is totally non functional, don't ask me again what the problem is.  And THEN, don't piss me off with your snottiness yet again, give me a phone number to call and then expect a good review on your survery. I believe that the term "useless waste of an online rep who I'm sure really doesn't speak English at all" was tossed in there. 


Dear Non-English speaking poorly paid phone rep for my wireless carrier:  Listen lady, When I tell you my secret answer, and i KNOW it's right because I'm looking at it on my account page online, DON'T TELL ME IT'S WRONG.  Learn to speak English and then get back to me. 

Dear English speaking, poorly paid phone rep for my wireless carrier: yeah, you probably got the notes about my last call with Miss Non-English speaker, and Mr I don't know that 1 is less than 30:  Thank you for actually getting my return processed and my new phone out to me.  If I could I would give you a raise.  You have restored my faith in your company.  Oh, and thanks for the refund for the entire cost of the phone.  You ROCK. 
Saturday, September 11, 2010

The 2,996 - I Remember Marlyn delCarmen Garcia



This is a repost of my 9/11/2006 post, with some new comments and thoughts.



I did not personally know anyone in the Towers, on the planes or in the Pentagon that lost their lives that day. However, I signed up to be part of the
2,996 bloggers to remember an individual who was lost on September 11, 2001. This is a rememberance of one of the lights that was snuffed out that day.

There are not enough words for me to begin to honor or remember. I hope that I can do a little justice to Marlyn's short life.


Marlyn C Garcia
Age: 21
Location: World Trade Center, Tower 1, 100th floor, Marsh and McLennan Cos, Inc

Miss Garcia was the valedictorian of her high school class at Bay Ridge Christian Academy. She was described as mature beyond her years. Smart. Sweet. Prom Queen. A young woman with character. Always smiling. Always nice to everyone. She turned down a scholarship to Syracuse University to remain close to her family, going instead to John Jay College, where, again, she touched so many lives with her kindness and smile. She was attending college as she worked at Marsh and McLennan. She would arrive an hour early each day so that she could leave to attend school in the afternoons. She wanted to work for the United Nations, travel, advocate for those who could not speak for themselves, to spread her light to others.
She had an entire lifetime ahead of her.
She had potential.
She was small. She was fearless. She was determined.
She loved her family. Her parents, her 2 sisters, her Uncle, to whom she wrote on Monday night, Sept 10 " I hope I get to see you Tuesday, I am going into work a little late because I want to vote" September 11 was New York City Mayoral Primary day.
She was a person that any young woman should look up to as an example of a caring and loving person. Someone to stive to be like. A loving Daughter, Sister, Neice, Cousin, Friend. A shining light.
In every rememberance of Marlyn that I have read, everyone has described her as being one thing - an Angel. She was an Angel on earth to so many. She was, sadly, in Tower 1 when the plane hit. One of the 2,996 called Home that day. Called Home to be an Angel looking down on everyone she knew and cared about. To now spread her light from above.


9/11/2006 I cannot believe that it has been five years. The emotions and feelings I have are still as raw as they were that day. In my cedar chest in my bedroom, I have copies of the New York Daily News, dated September 12, 2001, and showing all of the horror in still photographs. I looked at them on the day I purchased them. I have not looked at them since. I cannot ever forget those pictures. They are burned in my memory. I keep the papers to remember. I don't know why. I can't forget. I will never forget. None of us should never forget, so that will not happen again.




9/11/2009  When I wrote these words 3 years ago I could not believe the pain could still be so fresh in my heart. A couple of weeks ago, I went into my cedar chest and I looked at those papers dated 9/12/2001. I cried, gut wrenching, all out sobbing crying. And I thought about Marlyn. And I prayed that the terror for her was short.


9/11/2010 It's now been 9 years since that horrific day.  It seems a life time ago and yesterday, all at the same time.  Life changed forever that day.  Or  did it? It seems that the more years pass, the less our collective conscious remembers - that it was hatred that took over that day.  Hatred that is rearing its ugly head again - right here in our country.  Among our own citizens. Intolerance.  Hate.  The attitude of I'm right and you're wrong and we cannot have dialog anymore. We are living in times that seem to be even more dangerous than they were 9 years ago.  For the first time in my life, I'm scared for the future.  It's only been 9 years and it seems we have not learned a damn thing. Did all of those people, did Marlyn, die in vain? God, I pray not.  We need to dig deep inside and remember what we felt that awful day.  We need to remember how, when we reached out our hands that day, there was someone there to hold them.  Someone there to cry with, to grieve with.  To heal with.  We need to remember.  We need to remember the innocence that was lost that day.  We need to remember Marlyn and the 2995 others that were ripped away from us.  We cannot let their lives be lost in vain and hatred.  



On the night of 9/11/2001, we had a candelight walk in our neighborhood, led by the children. Then we all put our candles out on our porch to burn down during the night. When I light a candle tonight, as I did that night, and as I do every September 11, I will light it in Marlyn's memory.

Marlyn Garcia I will never forget you.
Thursday, September 2, 2010

Support your local Farmers



Local Food and Local Farms
 Congrats to the Rochester Public Market, winner by a landslide in the Favorite Large Farmers Market in America contest.  The Rochester Public Market ROCKS. Last weekend I spent $30 and came home with:

5lbs potatoes
1 large bunch baby asparagus
1 lb carrots
2 bunches celery
2 heads red romaine
2 heads red leaf lettuce
2 heads boston lettuce
1 large bunch beets
1 quart basket of chanterelle mushrooms (at $3 the splurge of the day)
4 cucumbers
1/2 bushel honey crisp apples
2 eggplant
4 zucchini
2 bunches bananas
10 oranges
2 bunches swiss chard
2 loaves whole wheat bread, hot from the bakery

In an effort to assist city residents with nutritional and financial challenges, the market is now accepting Food Stamp EBT cards - which has increased the foot traffic through the market (40,000 visitors on any given Saturday, 2.4 million visitors in 2009) and hopefully will give some of the young city residents a taste of locally grown delicious fruits and vegetables, as well as organic meats, and locally baked bread (really, where else can you go to get a loaf of freshly baked, hot, whole wheat bread, already sliced, for $1), and perhaps inspire them to learn to cook their own healthy meals and not become one of the projected 88% of obese Americans in the next 20 years.

There are so many people out there who think that you can only get fruits and vegetables at the grocery store. I have nothing against Walmart, I shop there for grocery staples all the time, but have you ever REALLY looked at the quality of their produce? Here in Western NY, in the middle of one of the largest apple producing areas in the world, Walmart ships apples to our stores from Washington State.  Now, I have nothing against the apple farmers there, but, seriously? What the hell? Oh, and they're 5x more expensive than the apples I get at any farmers market in my area.

But, the best thing about  the Rochester Public Market? Trying really hard not to laugh when someone who speaks Chinese/Spanish/English is trying to communicate with someone who speaks Redneck.  (if you don't think that rednecks can live north of the Mason Dixon line, I DARE you to come here)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010

oh good grief

People, people, people (and I use that term loosely) - if you get a note in your mail box that you are not allowed to park on the street overnight, and then you get a note on your offending car that you must not park on the street overnight, or you will be towed, why are you surprised when you're towed? And since you only have one car, and a driveway that can hold 2 cars, AND A FLIPPING GARAGE, why do you insist on parking in the street? You chose to live in a townhouse community with community rules, you chose to flagrantly disobey those rules, and NOW you think that "they" are picking on you, because "well, other people park in the street all night too".  well, yeah, but they don't live across the street from ME and block my driveway all night, forcing me, at 5:15am to drive over my lawn to get out of my driveway.  Yeah, it was ME that got your sorry ass towed.  And yeah, that note on your car? That was from me too.  I warned you and the property management company warned you.  Idiot.  

But I do have to ask you, how do you fit all 47 of your children, and the dog, in that car? 
Wednesday, August 4, 2010

F***^%$ stoopid laptop

Dear Frikking Stoopid work laptop:  You KNOW you're going to be replaced, don't you! Well, here's some news for you - your brand spankin new right off the line replacement is a bigger POC than you - so you can just STOP THE CRAP . Stop disconnecting from the network.  Stop freezing my email.  Stop taking 10 minutes to open a frikking word document.  You're safe.







For now.
Monday, August 2, 2010

When will it be safe to go out at night?

Today's mosquito bite count (from 20 minutes spent outside on Saturday evening, where I did not actually SEE any mosquitoes) - 74.  My left leg and foot are swollen so much I cannot put shoes on.  What the hell! I was actually wearing long pants and shoes too.  If they were not mosquitoes whatever it was bit through my clothes. I cannot wait for winter.
Friday, July 30, 2010

Know what sucks?

100 calorie packs - that's what.  Please make a 500 calorie pack so that I do not feel so depressed after eating 5 100 calorie packs.  They are EVIL.  EVIL EVIL EVIL.  


Oh wait, maybe I should NOT substitute 5 100 calorie packs for a healthy lunch. 




NAHHHHHHHHH, today is a baked cheezy poof / ritz snack mix / oreo cookie kind of day.  


Damn you 100 calorie packs.  Damn you right to ......................... my freaking thighs. 
Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Reminder to self

1.  Remember to look for the cat on the toilet BEFORE sitting down. 


2.  Remember to pack your laptop BEFORE beginning your 86 mile commute to work


3.  oh yeah, that gas light? it doesn't go off by itself


4.  that head of garlic that you didn't notice rolling out of the grocery bags will eventually make your car smell like a bad Italian restaurant. (this will happen in shortly under 2 hours in the hot sun.  it will conversely take several days for the smell to go away). 


5.  as much as you would like to think so, a great personality and good looks will not get you that $50 worth of groceries when you forget your wallet.  


6.  the cats will probably eat you if you forget the dry food again and leave them only the stuff they refuse to eat. 



Sunday, July 18, 2010

Reason 371 why I will have a heart attack before the end of the year

Phone conversation with the apartment manager after 5 hours of my mother's phone going directly to voice mail, and my dad calling me all pissed off about it:

Apt manager: Oh, well, I'll have Ann (a neighbor) call you - the paramedics are at there right now

Me: WHAT? AT MY MOM'S APARTMENT?

Apt manager:  Yes, well, she didn't show up for Scrabble so Helen (another neighbor) went in because the door was unlocked and your mom was still in bed and Helen could not wake her up.

Me: What happened?

Apt Manager: I'll have Ann call you

30 minutes later:

Ann: Well, we could not wake your mom up so we called the paramedics.  She's ok now, she's walking around the apartment.

Me: Can I talk to her?

Mom: I don't know what happened.  Here, talk to Heather

(Heather is the head nurse on the unit my dad lives on at the nursing home, and my mom's neighbor Helen's daughter-in-law)

Heather: It seems that your mom took an overdose of Ambien.  She's really not truly awake right now, she's going to have to sleep it off. The paramedics say she's ok - her vitals are good.  She's just going to go back to bed.  But, we've taken all the Ambien out out of the house so she can't take any more.  Ambien makes people sleep walk she has no idea why she took all of her pills for Thursday night AND Friday night.

I swear that even with the poor health she has, she's going to outlive me.  But at least she's well rested.  
Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Main reason I hate summer

at last count: 28 mosquito bites - just from the knees down - 12 of them on my right foot.  even on the bottom.  I must have some freaking tasty blood. 
Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I have a new superpower!

I am cloaked in invisibility! 


It's true!! No one on the road can see me because apparently I am faster than the speed of light - which is why they all try and side swipe me changing lanes! 
And no one in the stores can see me, that's why everyone bashes their carts into my ankles! 


I have to say though, this super power kind of sucks.  
Friday, July 2, 2010

out of the mouthes of babes

Tweenage girl to mom at the local wally world: 

NO MOM! I don't want to wear that - I'll look like a hooker! 

Mom: no you won't - I wear clothes like that all the time! 

Tweenage girl: I know - you look like a fat hooker! 


I really wish they would sell mixed drinks at wally world - it would make the whole floor show there so much more enjoyable. 
Thursday, July 1, 2010

That's twice in one night

To the car with the elderly lady and gentleman in the Wegman's Parking lot, and also the cars along Route 250 last night: I am really sorry.  Apparently, when driving my car, I now have a habit of putting my hands on the steering wheel in a weird position, and thereby somehow honking my horn.  The first time this happened I was looking around to see who was honking at me, and then I realized that the sound was coming from MY car.  I looked up and the elderly couple in the car in front of me were laughing at me.  I just burst out laughing and they went on their way.  About 30 seconds later as I pulled out onto the street from the parking lot, it happened again.  Seriously, what the hell? Since when did I start driving with my hands resting on the inner part of the steering wheel? I usually drive with my hands on the outer part at the bottom of the wheel in the 6:00 position.  (yes, I know 10 and 2, 10 and 2, but I drive for very long periods of time during the day and my arms get tired.  that's my story and I'm sticking to it) I think that the cats are brainwashing me at night when I sleep.
Monday, June 28, 2010

OMG I'm SHRINKING

Either that, or my underwear has decided to stretch to unbelievable proportions.  Ever have one of those days where every time you stand up, you have to run to the ladies room to pull up your underwear? 






no? 




I KNEW it just happened to me.  
Thursday, June 24, 2010

Things that make you go WTF?

Seen today on the interstate going home: 1 screaming yellow car (I don't even remember what kind it was) with 3 people in it - all of them wearing full headed Burger King masks.  

Creepy. 

it's just MAYHEM!!!


So, there was an earthquake in Rochester yesterday.  Epicenter was 40 miles north of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, magnitude 5.0.  But apparently it shook the entire northeast all the way to Buffalo.  Nope, I didn't feel it in Buffalo in my office - although apparently the person sitting next to me did. No one I know in Rochester felt it either.  But, there were immediately 80 calls to 911 within 2 minutes after it hit.  Not to report any damage or anything like that, because there was no damage. The calls were to ask "was there just an earthquake?" or to tell 911 "we just had an earthquake".  Now, what did any one of those 80 people expect the 911 operators to do for them? Mind you, this is the same town where someone called 911 because their order from Popeyes chicken was incorrect.  
On top of the 80 brain surgeons who think that calling 911 to report an earthquake is a good idea (I mean really, the people trying to get through to report heart attacks and such can just wait), there were HUNDREDS of media whores who sent in video to the local tv stations of the cracks in their driveways.  Most of the cracks were there before the great shaking of the earth, but apparently the jiggling made them bigger.  So it's news worthy. And the reports of "well, I didn't really feel it but my glass of water jiggled a little bit" was also worth sending into the news stations.  The worst part is that the news stations ENCOURAGE this crap. All the news websites had links to "where were you during the earthquake? Send us your videos and stories".  Oh please do NOT encourage these people! But the absolute best part was when there were tv news crews at the tallest building downtown (a whopping 36 stories high) accosting people as they came out at the end of the day with the stimulating questions of "did you feel the building shake?"  "what did you think was happening?" "did you feel that you were in danger?"  "did you think the building would fall?" OH MY GOD.  No wonder I hate the evening news.  

And after all that excitement, my NOAA weather radio goes nuts with tornado warnings for every county in western New York EXCEPT the one where I live.  Because Rochester, being around the 4th largest city in New York State, is too small to have it's own NOAA station so all of our weather has to come out of the Buffalo station.  On a different lake.  With totally different weather patterns. So the government, in it's infinite wisdom, combined the weather stations.  So now my NOAA emergency radio is going nuts for weather that has nothing to do with where I live.  But apparently the people who live in Rochester don't realize that they don't live in Buffalo so there was the freakout on the weather blogs about tornadoes.  It must be the heat killing off perfectly good brain cells in the masses.  Or maybe the Great Quake of 2010 shook the earth so violently that their brains all sloshed around in their heads leading to massive brain damage.  

Monday, June 21, 2010

Brutalizing the bushes. No, it's NOT THAT.

so, bushes are kind of like hair, right? One bad cut may make it feel uncomfortable for a while, but then it will grow out, right? 


I apologize dear forsythia.  You were getting a little bald on the top so I tried to even you up a little.  I didn't realize that now you just look short and bald.  Oh, and how on earth did you manage to start growing a white floribunda rose bush out of the middle of one of your stems? That was a little weird. 


Speaking of weird flowers -dear yellow tea rose - why did you turn into a red floribunda rose? Please turn back into the pretty yellow tea rose I planted 7 years ago. I do not like floribunda roses, there are none anywhere on my street, so why are they now growing all around my house in various colors? And growing OUT OF other plant stems? I'm getting seriously weirded out. 
Thursday, June 17, 2010

um, if it bothers you that much, don't watch

Dear Fellow Travelers of the NYS Thruway - specifically Thursday June 17 at approximately 5:17pm between exits 48a and 48: 

Yes, I was actually acting out the entire broadway musical A Chorus Line in my car.  I don't appreciate the odd looks when you passed me.  It made me a little self conscious.  I don't know if I will recover enough for Friday afternoon's performance.

I need a vacation...

Thank you Thumper! You are an inspiration to me! After reading your comment to my post from yesterday, I had a dream, or a prophecy if you will.  I now have a clear vision of my future - and the riches it will bring - from making  jock straps for sheep.  
Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the suburbs vs rednecks

We have an issue in our town about a farm.  The farm has been there since the 1860's  Just about ALL of the land in our town was at one time owned by the family that has owned that farm since the 1860's.  Most of the beautiful mcmansions that dot our landscape were once farmland.  Basically, no one that lives there now would have a home if the family had not sold the property in the first place. 


But now that it's a suburb and not the country, the farm is "an eyesore" and "it stinks too much" and "why does he have to keep his tractors out all the time?".  And "OH MY GOD.  The cow just gave birth next to the street- that's animal abuse -call 911".  


So yesterday when I was passing the farm on my way to my street less than 1/4 mile away, I happen to look over and see - a bull and a cow, doing what comes naturally for a bull and a cow to do.  Right next to the fence.  Right next to the road.  For all of rush hour traffic to see.  And I got home and heard the sirens.  So I got back in my car and rounded the corner just in time to see the sheriff pulling into the farm.  


Yes people, someone called the cops because the cows were having "relations" too close to the road.  


The next thing you know, they will be requiring the farmer to put pants on the male sheep after they are sheared, because everyone can see their balls.  

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

And the panic sets in

So, I thought my exam was very easy - considering that I never actually read the entire book - but I did work my way through the 900 question database - twice, and was scoring at least 80% most of the time.
My friend and I finished at about the same time - she thought it was very easy too.  Another friend in Canada took the exam as well and he thought it was easy.  Then today, I heard from a couple of people from my review class that they thought the exam was very very difficult, and they took the entire 4 hours to complete it.  It took me a little over 2 1/2 hours - and that was going through it twice! So, either I did really really well, or I just completely tanked it and will have to wait until December to take it again.

It's going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG 8 weeks to get the results.

In other news, I am fairly certain that my entire family is insane.  My oldest cousin cut her nose off with a chain saw about a month ago.  Yes, go back and read that again. Yep. CUT. IT. OFF. with a CHAINSAW.  Because she lives in the woods and decided that she needed to start stocking up on wood for her new wood stove. For the upcoming winter.  You know, the one that starts in about 6 months.  Yeah.  So now she cannot work at her job - working with the mentally handicapped - because she will scare them.  My mother JUST realized that my cousins did not send her christmas cards.  Last year.  So she called my aunt to yell at her about it.  My aunt called me to ask me "what the hell?".  So I called my mother - who was still worked up about the whole christmas card thing.  And I asked her if she knew it was June.  Then I asked her why it mattered because she never sent out christmas cards last year either.  Not even to me.  Oh, and she forgot my husband's birthday.  It was 3 months ago.  My father, who is in a nursing home, is now on the "resident approval committee" for hiring new staff.  My father hates people.  And he has dementia.  So, obviously that's a good choice.
My crazy-ass neighbor was at it again last night with the exploding beer cans.  This time she was grilling chicken and for some reason decided that putting her spare beers on the grill would be ok.  Her reaction? Why does that keep happening?
I swear that I am just going to move to Montana.  There can't be as many crazy people there.

**NOTE** - just for clarification - I am just as bat crap crazy as the rest of them, but at least I realize it.
Monday, June 14, 2010

I live in bizarro world

Dear Crazy Next Door Neighbor: If you put a FULL UNOPENED 6 pack of beer IN your fire pit, please make sure that the fire is OUT . Really, this is NOT the first time I have heard a huge explosion and gone out back to find shrapnel all over the back yards.  

Also, your phases of drunkness are not as amusing as you think. You are 48 years old for cripes sake. The "wobble around and make a pucker face and smack your lips" phase used to be cute. And I can do a wicked funny imitation of it. But the only smacking I'm wishing for now is the smacking of my hand on your face.  The 2nd phase - "Pissy Pammy" is really just annoying.  The 3rd phase "Lucy Lovebird" is just........ well........ sad.  Not every guy in the neighborhood wants to see your underwear.  Seriously.  And no, I'm NOT the "best neighbor in the whole world, EVAH!!!!".  You must not realize that when I dog sit for Maxx I send him over to your house to poop in your yard - because, really, I hate cleaning litterboxes, why would I want to pick up after someone else's dog? Besides, your two pit/chow/shepherd mix dogs crap alot.  

Dear Annoying Across the Street Neighbor: Your "classic" corvette is a loud obnoxious piece of crap.  It's not even the GOOD corvette - it's some 80's piece of garbage.  And there is absolutely no need for you to start it up and sit in it for 20 minutes every flipping morning at 5am and then take your OTHER car to work.  And why do you park it sideways across your driveway? And red with black racing stripes down the hood is not a good look. 

Dear Other Annoying Across the Street Neighbor:  how the hell many children are you holding hostage, er, raising in your 2 bedroom townhouse? Do you have hammocks swinging from the ceiling or something? There can't possibly be enough room for that many beds over there.  Also, your husband? Please make sure he wears a shirt when he leaves your house. You obviously find him extremely attractive, but Fat, Bald and Pasty is no way to go through life.  

And here I thought there were no rednecks in the suburbs.   
Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm so left brained.........

you know the term "thinking outside the box"?  

Um.............

yeah................

 I don't know where the box is. 

This is a HUGE problem when you work with computer systems and you are trying  to study for your auditing certification.  


I better find that damn box by Saturday.......
 
Wednesday, June 9, 2010

why yes I am

to the attendant at the gas station this morning  - YES, I am a little on the "unusual" side.  I understand that you have a machine just to dispense iced coffee.  however, it's not actually COFFEE.  It's some powdered, sugared, diluted CRAP.  Iced coffee has to have ACTUAL COFFEE in it to be called iced COFFEE.  So, how freaking hard is it to ring up a large coffee that I put in a soda glass over ice, and added some cream to it? OMG, it's coffee not in a coffee cup!! It's not soda but it's in a soda cup!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sheesh.  If I knew that putting a liquid in the wrong cup would send you into such a panic, i would have done this much sooner! 


Hey - it's 5:30am and I need some amusement - and guess what, you win that lottery! 
Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Is it wrong of me to be mad?

The wife of one of my closest friends passed away on Sunday.  She was 50 years old.  She and my friend have a gorgeous daughter who graduated from college 3 weeks ago.  I feel a lot of very conflicting emotions about this for a number of reasons, but mostly I am just plain angry.  I am angry at this woman for throwing her life away.  She was a life long drug addict and alcoholic.  She had many physical problems because of these addictions.  My friend tried and tried to get her into various programs, which she always left within 2 days.  I am mad at my friend for not standing up to her more and demanding that she get well - for the sake of his entire family.  I am mad that this woman treated her wonderful child like a rival for everyone's attention, and spent the better part of 20 years jealous of her own daughter.  I am mad that her wealthy father never gave anything to his grandchild, but bailed his daughter out of every situation without expecting her to own any of her problems. I'm mad at my friend for enabling and basically validating her behavior her by saying that he won't cause any waves for the sake of their child.  I'm mad at her for living such a selfish life and putting herself first in every situation.  I am mad that 4 years ago when she had a joint replacement, the dr did not see the infection in her bone before he put the replacement in, sealing the infection into her system.  I am mad that she had to suffer failing organs and dementia for 7 very long months, as the infection ate away at her body.  I am mad at her that she could not see just what she had in life, and chose to throw it away on cocaine and alcohol. I'm mad that drug addiction is such a powerful disease.  


And I'm mad at myself for feeling like this. 
Monday, June 7, 2010

Oh for Crap's friggin sake

The first time I did it, it was really really funny and we all got a big giggle out of it.  A story to tell when we're telling embarrassing stories to new friends.  

However, now it's just sad and pathetic.  


Note to self:  The TV remote IS NOT A CELL PHONE.  Leave it at home.  
Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dear Time

If you continue to fly by while I am sleeping and make my nightly 4.5 - 5 hours of peaceful slumber seem only like 3, I will have to whoop your ass. 

At the very least you could allow me to sleep until the alarm actually goes off and not make me lay there pretending to be asleep so that these guys don't whine for food.  And NOT laugh at me when I think that there is only 5 minutes until it's time to get up only to find out there's 2 more flippin hours left. 
Friday, June 4, 2010

Dear Philadelphia Flyers

My love for you knows no end, dear Flyers.  

HOWEVER


If you make me cry again I will cease rooting for you.
Until September. 

God, I'm such an idiot

And such a sucker for your orangeness.  
Thursday, June 3, 2010

Things I am obsessed with

1.  Abandonded Asylums (and other ghoulish abandoned buildings) - because I am seriously obsessed with crazy people - and dead people (but especially crazy dead people). 

2.  Kumquats - sweet and tasty on the outside, disgusting on the inside.  I can't stop eating them.  or saying "kumquats"

3.  Ghost Hunters - because hunting for ghosts in an abandoned building would be nirvana for me.  And I think the people on those shows (the people who have the ghost issues) are insane.


4.  FiestaWare - really is a service for 15 enough? Should I stop? I can't.  Paprika is ready for pre-order and my hands are shaking at the prospect of a new color. 

5.  Television Without Pity - television reviewed by people like me.  very twisted. 

6.  Black Garlic - awsome on all levels.  And when you use it to make a cream sauce, it turns grey.  Can you think of anything better to eat than linguine with grey sauce? Or fettuccine al-greyo?


7.  Chicken Invaders (all versions) - because it drives the cats crazy with all of the clucking. And blowing clothes off of chickens is seriously twisted fun.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Flip-flops

I have this "thing" about flip-flops.  Well, really it's not about flip-flops as much as it is about people who wear them. Ok, really it's only about the FEET of the people who wear them. Now, all of you flip-flop wearers out there, I mean you no offense - I know they're comfortable but there are some rules that need to be followed:


1.  If your toes point in all different directions, especially if those misdirected toes are on the same foot, please do NOT wear flip-flops


2.  If your toe nails are one of the following colors - green, yellow or off white, and you are NOT wearing nail polish, please to NOT wear flip-flops. 


3.  If you cannot pick up your feet like a normal person when you walk, please do not subject me to the constant horse clopping sounds - it drives me completely insane. 


4.  If half of your foot is hanging off the back, or the front, get a different size.  If half of your foot is hanging off the SIDE, then there's really no hope for you and please wear SHOES.  


5.  If you are wearing business attire, or even FORMAL attire (and yes bridesmaids, this applies to you too) Flip-flops are really not appropriate.  Something in a nice strappy sandal would be nice.  Unless you are a man.  


6.  People people people, it is never appropriate to wear SOCKS with flip-flops. I don't even know HOW you do it, but I have seen you freaks out there. I know you know who I'm talking about.  Just stop it.  If you know you have ugly feet, so you think you're protecting us from having to view your sideways toes or yellow toe nails or whatever, thank you.  But you look like a freak with the socks anyway. Here's a suggestion - why don't you wear ::GASP:: sneakers.  


Thank you for your consideration - the constant pouring of bleach into my eyeballs from looking at your freak feet is starting to wear me out. 
Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Hair

We have been attached since I was a year old. (yes, a year old, i was folically challanged).  We have been through at least 387 different colors and 521 different styles. 


HOWEVER


I will not tolerate any further insubordination from you.


Monday, May 31, 2010

One Hundred and Thirty Four Things that Pissed Me off Today

Ok, so really not 134, but seriously, I must be getting intolerant in my old age. Or, heaven forbid, I'm becoming my crazy parents.

Speaking of crazy parents, I was on my way to my mother's house this afternoon and remembered I needed to buy windshield wipers. (no I don't get the connection either, so stop wondering) So I stopped at Tar-shjay (you know, the store with the big red circle). This is where the latest in a long line of "how f'ing lazy are you" started -before I even got out of the freaking car. You know, the hawks that circle the parking lot looking for the spot next to the handicapped spot because they are too lazy. OK, so now that my husband is going "what the hell" let me explain. Three years ago I was really sick, and really anemic (as my dr put it "potentially fatal") and I was one of those hawks. I could not walk more than 10 steps without feeling like I was going to die. But now that I feel better, I only really bitch about the parking spots when I'm with my husband - just to piss him off. LOL. Anyway, I find a spot to park a reasonable distance from the door. Hawk is still circling the lot. No lie, there is a spot TWO freaking spaces from the handicapped spot in the row right in front of the door, and it's too far away for ms lazy ass. My intolerance level is beginning to rise. Once in the store I am greeted by 3 screaming children and a mother who is screaming just as loud "if you don't stop screaming I'm going to beat your asses right here in the store". I looked around quickly for my favorite superhero Irony to come out and commence the ass whooping. Toy aisle: child LAYING on the floor whining "I want to ride in the cart, I don't feel like walking". Could it be because said child is AT LEAST 50 pounds overweight and the cart is filled with crap food? (and really, I don't much care if you're overweight or not - and I am, but at least make an EFFORT to feed your child something healthy once in a while. More on this below) Maybe the kid just wanted to sit in the middle of the bags of candy and snack. Exiting the store: One very very tattooed and pierced teenager standing in front of the door whining "why won't it open?" The sign says "PUSH". I just stand there and watch. And wait. And FINALLY, the light dawns on our future nobel prize winner in astro physics. And then she TURNS AROUND AND WALKS TO THE AUTOMATIC DOOR. Seriously. It would have taken less effort to push the freaking door open than it took to walk to the other door. To say I was stunned was an understatement. I thought to myself "this is possibly the laziest person I have ever seen". But really not, after all, she was up, dressed, and in a store, so she beats out a lot of other people. Maybe she really just didn't know how to operate a door. (or it could just be further proof of my theory that when people leave their houses and go to the store their brain cells cease to function and they become the walking stupid)

Then I went to our local supermarket to pick up some corn on the cob - from Florida (not that Florida corn is a bad thing, but Florida is all the way down THERE and we are all the way up HERE and 5 day old corn is not tasty), and i swear by all that is holy that I heard one mother say the following "put that down, we don't eat vegetables". (note to my husband - yes crunchberries are fruit) ::SIGH::

Oh, and in case you were wondering about dinner with the insane mother. Potato salad mixed with canned chicken and corn on the cob. It was............interesting. And not in the good way.

Today's tasty iced coffee: Bananas Foster Float flavored coffee made with splenda and fat free half and half (the cream of the ancient gods).