Friday, July 30, 2010

Know what sucks?

100 calorie packs - that's what.  Please make a 500 calorie pack so that I do not feel so depressed after eating 5 100 calorie packs.  They are EVIL.  EVIL EVIL EVIL.  

Oh wait, maybe I should NOT substitute 5 100 calorie packs for a healthy lunch. 

NAHHHHHHHHH, today is a baked cheezy poof / ritz snack mix / oreo cookie kind of day.  

Damn you 100 calorie packs.  Damn you right to ......................... my freaking thighs. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Reminder to self

1.  Remember to look for the cat on the toilet BEFORE sitting down. 

2.  Remember to pack your laptop BEFORE beginning your 86 mile commute to work

3.  oh yeah, that gas light? it doesn't go off by itself

4.  that head of garlic that you didn't notice rolling out of the grocery bags will eventually make your car smell like a bad Italian restaurant. (this will happen in shortly under 2 hours in the hot sun.  it will conversely take several days for the smell to go away). 

5.  as much as you would like to think so, a great personality and good looks will not get you that $50 worth of groceries when you forget your wallet.  

6.  the cats will probably eat you if you forget the dry food again and leave them only the stuff they refuse to eat. 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Reason 371 why I will have a heart attack before the end of the year

Phone conversation with the apartment manager after 5 hours of my mother's phone going directly to voice mail, and my dad calling me all pissed off about it:

Apt manager: Oh, well, I'll have Ann (a neighbor) call you - the paramedics are at there right now


Apt manager:  Yes, well, she didn't show up for Scrabble so Helen (another neighbor) went in because the door was unlocked and your mom was still in bed and Helen could not wake her up.

Me: What happened?

Apt Manager: I'll have Ann call you

30 minutes later:

Ann: Well, we could not wake your mom up so we called the paramedics.  She's ok now, she's walking around the apartment.

Me: Can I talk to her?

Mom: I don't know what happened.  Here, talk to Heather

(Heather is the head nurse on the unit my dad lives on at the nursing home, and my mom's neighbor Helen's daughter-in-law)

Heather: It seems that your mom took an overdose of Ambien.  She's really not truly awake right now, she's going to have to sleep it off. The paramedics say she's ok - her vitals are good.  She's just going to go back to bed.  But, we've taken all the Ambien out out of the house so she can't take any more.  Ambien makes people sleep walk she has no idea why she took all of her pills for Thursday night AND Friday night.

I swear that even with the poor health she has, she's going to outlive me.  But at least she's well rested.  

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Main reason I hate summer

at last count: 28 mosquito bites - just from the knees down - 12 of them on my right foot.  even on the bottom.  I must have some freaking tasty blood. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I have a new superpower!

I am cloaked in invisibility! 

It's true!! No one on the road can see me because apparently I am faster than the speed of light - which is why they all try and side swipe me changing lanes! 
And no one in the stores can see me, that's why everyone bashes their carts into my ankles! 

I have to say though, this super power kind of sucks.  

Friday, July 2, 2010

out of the mouthes of babes

Tweenage girl to mom at the local wally world: 

NO MOM! I don't want to wear that - I'll look like a hooker! 

Mom: no you won't - I wear clothes like that all the time! 

Tweenage girl: I know - you look like a fat hooker! 

I really wish they would sell mixed drinks at wally world - it would make the whole floor show there so much more enjoyable. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

That's twice in one night

To the car with the elderly lady and gentleman in the Wegman's Parking lot, and also the cars along Route 250 last night: I am really sorry.  Apparently, when driving my car, I now have a habit of putting my hands on the steering wheel in a weird position, and thereby somehow honking my horn.  The first time this happened I was looking around to see who was honking at me, and then I realized that the sound was coming from MY car.  I looked up and the elderly couple in the car in front of me were laughing at me.  I just burst out laughing and they went on their way.  About 30 seconds later as I pulled out onto the street from the parking lot, it happened again.  Seriously, what the hell? Since when did I start driving with my hands resting on the inner part of the steering wheel? I usually drive with my hands on the outer part at the bottom of the wheel in the 6:00 position.  (yes, I know 10 and 2, 10 and 2, but I drive for very long periods of time during the day and my arms get tired.  that's my story and I'm sticking to it) I think that the cats are brainwashing me at night when I sleep.