Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I swear to (insert deity here) I live in a reality show

Honestly! I think that there MUST be cameras around my neighborhood that MUST be capturing the sheer bizarreness of daily life where I live.

Cases in point:

1.  bizarro nasty idiot leaf and snow vacuuming, drug dealing nutjob across the street.

2.  Next to him, new neighbors! oh JOY!! She left her husband 3 months ago, moved out of a 750,000 dollar home to live in our neighborhood.  she chose the 2 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath townhouse with no garage.  1300 square feet.  750,000 could possibly buy 5 duplex houses in our neighborhood.  She THINKS she is a better cook than, say, Bobby Flay.  In reality, most people just smile and throw out her food when she's not looking.  Oh, and she moved in with a man she met 3 weeks, yes 3 WEEKS before.  He's a nice guy.  She is UberBitch.  She is constantly complaining that he "only works construction" and doesn't make nearly enough money.  Hmmmmm, I wonder why her marriage didn't work out.

3.  Crazy drunk lady next door, and her 2 sons - one is just a dream, 23 years old, very nice, has manners and everything.  Well, except a job.  Seems that he rather enjoys not working and being able to get up at 4:00 pm and smoke pot until 9, then go out and drink until 2am.  And then there's the other one.  Who is now 29.  And STILL has the ambition to be a WWE wrestler.  RastaMcDonald.  Well, at least his hair is not in dreadlocks and orange and yellow anymore.  He's bald now.

4.  Mid life crisis man living behind me.  DUUUUUUUUUUDE.  Wearing a Hooters t-shirt to street parties (and campfires, etc) whenever there's "fresh meat" does NOT make him "sexeh" no matter how hard he argues it shows off his pecs.  I don't think he knows what pecs are because no one in the neighborhood cand find his.  And he doesn't realize that the 22 year old bar flies only like him because he has money, and 22 year old boys do not.  Oh, and his daughter is 18, so trying to date 22 year olds is just, ICKY.

5.  Mother of the Universe - I have lost count of how many children she has, and I think she has too.  I just chalk up any randomly appearing child in the neighborhood as hers.  And we seem to get more than our share of children that no one wants to admit are theirs.  Mainly because they seem to walk into trees.  Alot.

6.  Mid life crisis lady neighbor.  Former high school class mate and girlfriend of mid life crisis man.  She is dating her 24 year old next door neighbor. Oh did I mention that she has 3 children from 3 different husbands? And one of the ex husbands is currently living on her couch?

7.  Over the hill rock groupie.  Are you still a groupie when you are 57? I'm not too sure about that.

8.  crazy cat lady.  oh wait............... nevermind............