Also, your phases of drunkness are not as amusing as you think. You are 48 years old for cripes sake. The "wobble around and make a pucker face and smack your lips" phase used to be cute. And I can do a wicked funny imitation of it. But the only smacking I'm wishing for now is the smacking of my hand on your face. The 2nd phase - "Pissy Pammy" is really just annoying. The 3rd phase "Lucy Lovebird" is just........ well........ sad. Not every guy in the neighborhood wants to see your underwear. Seriously. And no, I'm NOT the "best neighbor in the whole world, EVAH!!!!". You must not realize that when I dog sit for Maxx I send him over to your house to poop in your yard - because, really, I hate cleaning litterboxes, why would I want to pick up after someone else's dog? Besides, your two pit/chow/shepherd mix dogs crap alot.
Dear Annoying Across the Street Neighbor: Your "classic" corvette is a loud obnoxious piece of crap. It's not even the GOOD corvette - it's some 80's piece of garbage. And there is absolutely no need for you to start it up and sit in it for 20 minutes every flipping morning at 5am and then take your OTHER car to work. And why do you park it sideways across your driveway? And red with black racing stripes down the hood is not a good look.
Dear Other Annoying Across the Street Neighbor: how the hell many children are you
holding hostage, er, raising in your 2 bedroom townhouse? Do you have hammocks swinging from the ceiling or something? There can't possibly be enough room for that many beds over there. Also, your husband? Please make sure he wears a shirt when he leaves your house. You obviously find him extremely attractive, but Fat, Bald and Pasty is no way to go through life.
And here I thought there were no rednecks in the suburbs.