Monday, June 14, 2010

I live in bizarro world

Dear Crazy Next Door Neighbor: If you put a FULL UNOPENED 6 pack of beer IN your fire pit, please make sure that the fire is OUT . Really, this is NOT the first time I have heard a huge explosion and gone out back to find shrapnel all over the back yards.  

Also, your phases of drunkness are not as amusing as you think. You are 48 years old for cripes sake. The "wobble around and make a pucker face and smack your lips" phase used to be cute. And I can do a wicked funny imitation of it. But the only smacking I'm wishing for now is the smacking of my hand on your face.  The 2nd phase - "Pissy Pammy" is really just annoying.  The 3rd phase "Lucy Lovebird" is just........ well........ sad.  Not every guy in the neighborhood wants to see your underwear.  Seriously.  And no, I'm NOT the "best neighbor in the whole world, EVAH!!!!".  You must not realize that when I dog sit for Maxx I send him over to your house to poop in your yard - because, really, I hate cleaning litterboxes, why would I want to pick up after someone else's dog? Besides, your two pit/chow/shepherd mix dogs crap alot.  

Dear Annoying Across the Street Neighbor: Your "classic" corvette is a loud obnoxious piece of crap.  It's not even the GOOD corvette - it's some 80's piece of garbage.  And there is absolutely no need for you to start it up and sit in it for 20 minutes every flipping morning at 5am and then take your OTHER car to work.  And why do you park it sideways across your driveway? And red with black racing stripes down the hood is not a good look. 

Dear Other Annoying Across the Street Neighbor:  how the hell many children are you holding hostage, er, raising in your 2 bedroom townhouse? Do you have hammocks swinging from the ceiling or something? There can't possibly be enough room for that many beds over there.  Also, your husband? Please make sure he wears a shirt when he leaves your house. You obviously find him extremely attractive, but Fat, Bald and Pasty is no way to go through life.  

And here I thought there were no rednecks in the suburbs.   


Kea said...

Oh, I assure you there are plenty of rednecks in our suburbs! ROTFL!

Amy and The House of Cats said...

Well, at least you don't have drug dealers - we have drug dealers. And people use our pool who don't live there, which means someone gives them a key - those are fun neighbors. And the one's who don't follow the rules (sure some of them are crappy but the rest of us have to follow them - well mostly, it helps to have the board president living in your house) and leave trash everywhere. Sorry I am really pissed about the craphole our subdivision is becoming and it sounds like you have the kind of people that woudl fit right in our neighborhood, and to me you sound like the neighbor we want (instead of what we have). Maybe we can get some sort of trade happening.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well i used to have the flying wallendas above me but they moved, hooray!

smiles, bee

Barb said...

Well, at least it is never dull! hahahaha! I live not too far from the redneck breeding grounds. I think the rule is the more cars they have up on jacks, the richer they are.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Those are SO images I must get out of my head ASAP!

ABBY said...

We moved so far out of the city that neighbors are a thing of the past!

Hannah and Lucy said...

Do I assume you're not keen on your neighbours?

Anonymous said...

I can empathize--I have drunken downstairs neighbors who can't seem to understand that NO ONE wants to hear Motley Crue at full volume!

Aunty Pol said...

Oh dear...LMAO ROTF..are you sure you don't live here in Texas...Now don't get me wrong...I love the state and love living in Houston ..but check out the following:

1. A**Hat..If you fire a gun into the's called GRAVITY..have your kid google it.

2. Dear neighbor who loves to burn leaves from his roof....When the wind drifts the smoke to my yard and patio thus activating both my migraine and the " Cheap Ass Blair Witch Project " special not be surprised when I appear at your door, other neighbors in tow to see if ..gasp..your house is on won't get a second chance with YOUR attitude..dial 911 buddy.

3.Dear Teenagers wandering aimlessly through out the neighborhood ..I am your elder...If I say " Good Morning, Good Day or what ever..I will make you reply...I am older, lived here longer and can indeed turn the hose on you to instill some manners.

4. Dear PetOwner of Pitt Bulls who run leash and un tagged..Yes...I am a pet owner too...a responsbile one..I will however call animal control, on your sorry do not deserve pets.

Beer on the GRILL...? That's a crime down here..unless you are cooking beer butt chicken,..then give me a holler when it's time to plate up .
Waving from Houston

Aunty Pol