OMG I'm SHRINKING

Either that, or my underwear has decided to stretch to unbelievable proportions.  Ever have one of those days where every time you stand up, you have to run to the ladies room to pull up your underwear? 






no? 




I KNEW it just happened to me.  

Things that make you go WTF?

Seen today on the interstate going home: 1 screaming yellow car (I don't even remember what kind it was) with 3 people in it - all of them wearing full headed Burger King masks.  

Creepy. 

it's just MAYHEM!!!

So, there was an earthquake in Rochester yesterday.  Epicenter was 40 miles north of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, magnitude 5.0.  But apparently it shook the entire northeast all the way to Buffalo.  Nope, I didn't feel it in Buffalo in my office - although apparently the person sitting next to me did. No one I know in Rochester felt it either.  But, there were immediately 80 calls to 911 within 2 minutes after it hit.  Not to report any damage or anything like that, because there was no damage. The calls were to ask "was there just an earthquake?" or to tell 911 "we just had an earthquake".  Now, what did any one of those 80 people expect the 911 operators to do for them? Mind you, this is the same town where someone called 911 because their order from Popeyes chicken was incorrect.  

On top of the 80 brain surgeons who think that calling 911 to report an earthquake is a good idea (I mean really, the people trying to get through to report heart attacks and such can just wait), there were HUNDREDS of media whores who sent in video to the local tv stations of the cracks in their driveways.  Most of the cracks were there before the great shaking of the earth, but apparently the jiggling made them bigger.  So it's news worthy. And the reports of "well, I didn't really feel it but my glass of water jiggled a little bit" was also worth sending into the news stations.  The worst part is that the news stations ENCOURAGE this crap. All the news websites had links to "where were you during the earthquake? Send us your videos and stories".  Oh please do NOT encourage these people! But the absolute best part was when there were tv news crews at the tallest building downtown (a whopping 36 stories high) accosting people as they came out at the end of the day with the stimulating questions of "did you feel the building shake?"  "what did you think was happening?" "did you feel that you were in danger?"  "did you think the building would fall?" OH MY GOD.  No wonder I hate the evening news.  

And after all that excitement, my NOAA weather radio goes nuts with tornado warnings for every county in western New York EXCEPT the one where I live.  Because Rochester, being around the 4th largest city in New York State, is too small to have it's own NOAA station so all of our weather has to come out of the Buffalo station.  On a different lake.  With totally different weather patterns. So the government, in it's infinite wisdom, combined the weather stations.  So now my NOAA emergency radio is going nuts for weather that has nothing to do with where I live.  But apparently the people who live in Rochester don't realize that they don't live in Buffalo so there was the freakout on the weather blogs about tornadoes.  It must be the heat killing off perfectly good brain cells in the masses.  Or maybe the Great Quake of 2010 shook the earth so violently that their brains all sloshed around in their heads leading to massive brain damage.  

Brutalizing the bushes. No, it's NOT THAT.

so, bushes are kind of like hair, right? One bad cut may make it feel uncomfortable for a while, but then it will grow out, right? 


I apologize dear forsythia.  You were getting a little bald on the top so I tried to even you up a little.  I didn't realize that now you just look short and bald.  Oh, and how on earth did you manage to start growing a white floribunda rose bush out of the middle of one of your stems? That was a little weird. 


Speaking of weird flowers -dear yellow tea rose - why did you turn into a red floribunda rose? Please turn back into the pretty yellow tea rose I planted 7 years ago. I do not like floribunda roses, there are none anywhere on my street, so why are they now growing all around my house in various colors? And growing OUT OF other plant stems? I'm getting seriously weirded out. 

um, if it bothers you that much, don't watch

Dear Fellow Travelers of the NYS Thruway - specifically Thursday June 17 at approximately 5:17pm between exits 48a and 48: 

Yes, I was actually acting out the entire broadway musical A Chorus Line in my car.  I don't appreciate the odd looks when you passed me.  It made me a little self conscious.  I don't know if I will recover enough for Friday afternoon's performance.

I need a vacation...

Thank you Thumper! You are an inspiration to me! After reading your comment to my post from yesterday, I had a dream, or a prophecy if you will.  I now have a clear vision of my future - and the riches it will bring - from making  jock straps for sheep.  

the suburbs vs rednecks

We have an issue in our town about a farm.  The farm has been there since the 1860's  Just about ALL of the land in our town was at one time owned by the family that has owned that farm since the 1860's.  Most of the beautiful mcmansions that dot our landscape were once farmland.  Basically, no one that lives there now would have a home if the family had not sold the property in the first place. 


But now that it's a suburb and not the country, the farm is "an eyesore" and "it stinks too much" and "why does he have to keep his tractors out all the time?".  And "OH MY GOD.  The cow just gave birth next to the street- that's animal abuse -call 911".  


So yesterday when I was passing the farm on my way to my street less than 1/4 mile away, I happen to look over and see - a bull and a cow, doing what comes naturally for a bull and a cow to do.  Right next to the fence.  Right next to the road.  For all of rush hour traffic to see.  And I got home and heard the sirens.  So I got back in my car and rounded the corner just in time to see the sheriff pulling into the farm.  


Yes people, someone called the cops because the cows were having "relations" too close to the road.  


The next thing you know, they will be requiring the farmer to put pants on the male sheep after they are sheared, because everyone can see their balls.  

And the panic sets in

So, I thought my exam was very easy - considering that I never actually read the entire book - but I did work my way through the 900 question database - twice, and was scoring at least 80% most of the time.
My friend and I finished at about the same time - she thought it was very easy too.  Another friend in Canada took the exam as well and he thought it was easy.  Then today, I heard from a couple of people from my review class that they thought the exam was very very difficult, and they took the entire 4 hours to complete it.  It took me a little over 2 1/2 hours - and that was going through it twice! So, either I did really really well, or I just completely tanked it and will have to wait until December to take it again.

It's going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG 8 weeks to get the results.

In other news, I am fairly certain that my entire family is insane.  My oldest cousin cut her nose off with a chain saw about a month ago.  Yes, go back and read that again. Yep. CUT. IT. OFF. with a CHAINSAW.  Because she lives in the woods and decided that she needed to start stocking up on wood for her new wood stove. For the upcoming winter.  You know, the one that starts in about 6 months.  Yeah.  So now she cannot work at her job - working with the mentally handicapped - because she will scare them.  My mother JUST realized that my cousins did not send her christmas cards.  Last year.  So she called my aunt to yell at her about it.  My aunt called me to ask me "what the hell?".  So I called my mother - who was still worked up about the whole christmas card thing.  And I asked her if she knew it was June.  Then I asked her why it mattered because she never sent out christmas cards last year either.  Not even to me.  Oh, and she forgot my husband's birthday.  It was 3 months ago.  My father, who is in a nursing home, is now on the "resident approval committee" for hiring new staff.  My father hates people.  And he has dementia.  So, obviously that's a good choice.
My crazy-ass neighbor was at it again last night with the exploding beer cans.  This time she was grilling chicken and for some reason decided that putting her spare beers on the grill would be ok.  Her reaction? Why does that keep happening?
I swear that I am just going to move to Montana.  There can't be as many crazy people there.

**NOTE** - just for clarification - I am just as bat crap crazy as the rest of them, but at least I realize it.

I live in bizarro world

Dear Crazy Next Door Neighbor: If you put a FULL UNOPENED 6 pack of beer IN your fire pit, please make sure that the fire is OUT . Really, this is NOT the first time I have heard a huge explosion and gone out back to find shrapnel all over the back yards.  

Also, your phases of drunkness are not as amusing as you think. You are 48 years old for cripes sake. The "wobble around and make a pucker face and smack your lips" phase used to be cute. And I can do a wicked funny imitation of it. But the only smacking I'm wishing for now is the smacking of my hand on your face.  The 2nd phase - "Pissy Pammy" is really just annoying.  The 3rd phase "Lucy Lovebird" is just........ well........ sad.  Not every guy in the neighborhood wants to see your underwear.  Seriously.  And no, I'm NOT the "best neighbor in the whole world, EVAH!!!!".  You must not realize that when I dog sit for Maxx I send him over to your house to poop in your yard - because, really, I hate cleaning litterboxes, why would I want to pick up after someone else's dog? Besides, your two pit/chow/shepherd mix dogs crap alot.  

Dear Annoying Across the Street Neighbor: Your "classic" corvette is a loud obnoxious piece of crap.  It's not even the GOOD corvette - it's some 80's piece of garbage.  And there is absolutely no need for you to start it up and sit in it for 20 minutes every flipping morning at 5am and then take your OTHER car to work.  And why do you park it sideways across your driveway? And red with black racing stripes down the hood is not a good look. 

Dear Other Annoying Across the Street Neighbor:  how the hell many children are you holding hostage, er, raising in your 2 bedroom townhouse? Do you have hammocks swinging from the ceiling or something? There can't possibly be enough room for that many beds over there.  Also, your husband? Please make sure he wears a shirt when he leaves your house. You obviously find him extremely attractive, but Fat, Bald and Pasty is no way to go through life.  

And here I thought there were no rednecks in the suburbs.   

I'm so left brained.........

you know the term "thinking outside the box"?  

Um.............

yeah................

 I don't know where the box is. 

This is a HUGE problem when you work with computer systems and you are trying  to study for your auditing certification.  


I better find that damn box by Saturday.......
 

why yes I am

to the attendant at the gas station this morning  - YES, I am a little on the "unusual" side.  I understand that you have a machine just to dispense iced coffee.  however, it's not actually COFFEE.  It's some powdered, sugared, diluted CRAP.  Iced coffee has to have ACTUAL COFFEE in it to be called iced COFFEE.  So, how freaking hard is it to ring up a large coffee that I put in a soda glass over ice, and added some cream to it? OMG, it's coffee not in a coffee cup!! It's not soda but it's in a soda cup!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sheesh.  If I knew that putting a liquid in the wrong cup would send you into such a panic, i would have done this much sooner! 


Hey - it's 5:30am and I need some amusement - and guess what, you win that lottery! 

Is it wrong of me to be mad?

The wife of one of my closest friends passed away on Sunday.  She was 50 years old.  She and my friend have a gorgeous daughter who graduated from college 3 weeks ago.  I feel a lot of very conflicting emotions about this for a number of reasons, but mostly I am just plain angry.  I am angry at this woman for throwing her life away.  She was a life long drug addict and alcoholic.  She had many physical problems because of these addictions.  My friend tried and tried to get her into various programs, which she always left within 2 days.  I am mad at my friend for not standing up to her more and demanding that she get well - for the sake of his entire family.  I am mad that this woman treated her wonderful child like a rival for everyone's attention, and spent the better part of 20 years jealous of her own daughter.  I am mad that her wealthy father never gave anything to his grandchild, but bailed his daughter out of every situation without expecting her to own any of her problems. I'm mad at my friend for enabling and basically validating her behavior her by saying that he won't cause any waves for the sake of their child.  I'm mad at her for living such a selfish life and putting herself first in every situation.  I am mad that 4 years ago when she had a joint replacement, the dr did not see the infection in her bone before he put the replacement in, sealing the infection into her system.  I am mad that she had to suffer failing organs and dementia for 7 very long months, as the infection ate away at her body.  I am mad at her that she could not see just what she had in life, and chose to throw it away on cocaine and alcohol. I'm mad that drug addiction is such a powerful disease.  


And I'm mad at myself for feeling like this. 

Oh for Crap's friggin sake

The first time I did it, it was really really funny and we all got a big giggle out of it.  A story to tell when we're telling embarrassing stories to new friends.  

However, now it's just sad and pathetic.  

Note to self:  The TV remote IS NOT A CELL PHONE.  Leave it at home.  

Dear Time

If you continue to fly by while I am sleeping and make my nightly 4.5 - 5 hours of peaceful slumber seem only like 3, I will have to whoop your ass. 

At the very least you could allow me to sleep until the alarm actually goes off and not make me lay there pretending to be asleep so that these guys don't whine for food.  And NOT laugh at me when I think that there is only 5 minutes until it's time to get up only to find out there's 2 more flippin hours left. 

Dear Philadelphia Flyers

My love for you knows no end, dear Flyers.  

HOWEVER

If you make me cry again I will cease rooting for you.

Until September. 

God, I'm such an idiot

And such a sucker for your orangeness.  

Things I am obsessed with

1.  Abandonded Asylums (and other ghoulish abandoned buildings) - because I am seriously obsessed with crazy people - and dead people (but especially crazy dead people). 

2.  Kumquats - sweet and tasty on the outside, disgusting on the inside.  I can't stop eating them.  or saying "kumquats"

3.  Ghost Hunters - because hunting for ghosts in an abandoned building would be nirvana for me.  And I think the people on those shows (the people who have the ghost issues) are insane.


4.  FiestaWare - really is a service for 15 enough? Should I stop? I can't.  Paprika is ready for pre-order and my hands are shaking at the prospect of a new color. 

5.  Television Without Pity - television reviewed by people like me.  very twisted. 

6.  Black Garlic - awsome on all levels.  And when you use it to make a cream sauce, it turns grey.  Can you think of anything better to eat than linguine with grey sauce? Or fettuccine al-greyo?


7.  Chicken Invaders (all versions) - because it drives the cats crazy with all of the clucking. And blowing clothes off of chickens is seriously twisted fun.

Flip-flops

I have this "thing" about flip-flops.  Well, really it's not about flip-flops as much as it is about people who wear them. Ok, really it's only about the FEET of the people who wear them. Now, all of you flip-flop wearers out there, I mean you no offense - I know they're comfortable but there are some rules that need to be followed:


1.  If your toes point in all different directions, especially if those misdirected toes are on the same foot, please do NOT wear flip-flops


2.  If your toe nails are one of the following colors - green, yellow or off white, and you are NOT wearing nail polish, please to NOT wear flip-flops. 


3.  If you cannot pick up your feet like a normal person when you walk, please do not subject me to the constant horse clopping sounds - it drives me completely insane. 


4.  If half of your foot is hanging off the back, or the front, get a different size.  If half of your foot is hanging off the SIDE, then there's really no hope for you and please wear SHOES.  


5.  If you are wearing business attire, or even FORMAL attire (and yes bridesmaids, this applies to you too) Flip-flops are really not appropriate.  Something in a nice strappy sandal would be nice.  Unless you are a man.  


6.  People people people, it is never appropriate to wear SOCKS with flip-flops. I don't even know HOW you do it, but I have seen you freaks out there. I know you know who I'm talking about.  Just stop it.  If you know you have ugly feet, so you think you're protecting us from having to view your sideways toes or yellow toe nails or whatever, thank you.  But you look like a freak with the socks anyway. Here's a suggestion - why don't you wear ::GASP:: sneakers.  


Thank you for your consideration - the constant pouring of bleach into my eyeballs from looking at your freak feet is starting to wear me out. 

Dear Hair

We have been attached since I was a year old. (yes, a year old, i was folically challanged).  We have been through at least 387 different colors and 521 different styles. 


HOWEVER


I will not tolerate any further insubordination from you.